I guess today is just one of those days. I feel like I am reflecting on my last 4 years of life and checking if I did everything RIGHT...
I am trying to figure out, if I could change anything, what would I have changed?
I am trying to figure out where did some of my friendships go wrong--is it because of me?
I miss France, I miss feeling so uninhibited and just HAPPY. So happy I would cry myself to sleep, while smiling HAPPY. Happiness I could feel from my toes to the top f my head. I MISS THAT HAPPINESS. I miss the friendships I created...true bonds that only some get the chance to experience.
I question myself today, November 8, 2010, "AM I HAPPY?” I have so much awesome things going on in my life---a great internship (which I happen to be at now ha), about the graduate from college, possible AMAZING job in the near future, a man that loves me, good friends and a great family.
Although all those things above sound nice, there is another side to every happiness. Nevertheless, isn’t that life? I am about to graduate (yay!) but I am scared and I do not know my next steps. There is a possible AMAZING job, but who knows what will happen, AND if I do get it, will I be all that EVERYONE else says I am?? Will I meet my parents, my mentors, and MY expectations?? It's just a lot to take in...
And then there is my family. A perfect family a few years ago, but then again, there is no "perfect family.” Everyone has problems, but I guess I just never thought it would happen with mine... I will leave it at that because I prefer not to disclose my family business to world. Just know every time I think of it, it hurts.
Though mentally I have a THOUSAND thoughts running through my head, I have not been praying as I used too...I feel like I am straying and putting the weights of the world on my shoulders, without reaching out for help or guidance. I do not know how people get through life without God. I feel like I have been living without him "in" my life for months....Maybe that is why I feel this way. I am trying to handle everything on my own. Analyzing, evaluating, thinking, thinking and thinking some more about why things happen the way they do and if I am making the right choices.
Sometimes I think I am tripping and just a tad anal. My life cannot be perfect, like I wish it to be.
Deep down inside I know what the problem is... I know why I get sad every now and then, even with my life that is filled with so much happiness.
I miss having a best friend...that feeling I had when I was abroad, when someone needed me, just as much as a needed them. Someone who came to me for advice, someone who was right in line with me but completely different at the same time. I MISS THAT BOND.
Yes, I have my love and my wonderful wonderful mother and other amazing women I have grown very close with...but something is missing...
I do not have a sister---I wish I did
and
I do not have that best best friend---that I thought I had years ago...
But hey, I'm only 23 years old, I have a long life ahead of me and a future that looks bright...
I'm developing and working to become a better, more compassionate, giving person, but I must say it’s hard if you haven’t been that way most of your life...
*Thoughts of just ONE OF THOSE DAYS*
Peace and Love and Happiness....ALWAYS
Danni <3
